The Last Living Boomer Widow Tells All

by Hal Jacobs

Atlanta, GA
November 15, 2095

After a global search, reporters finally located the last living baby-boomer widow. Ida Mae Parks, 65 years old, was married for 26 years to Ralph. Her blue eyes sparkle when she talks about her late husband.

Reporter: Mrs. Parks, did you know Ralph was the last of the baby boomers, those 76 million Americans born between 1946 and 1964?

Ida Mae: Oh, yes. But Ralph said it might be best if we didn't tell anyone.

Reporter: He wasn't proud of being the last boomer?

Ida Mae: He was terrified. Ralph always said, once the Generation X-ers, Y-ers and Z-ers take over, watch out. He knew there'd be hell to pay for handing out all those horrible labels. He didn't want anyone to know he was the last of the "Croaked Generation."

Reporter: In the history books, boomers are compared to a hungry swarm of locusts, consuming everything in their path. What was it like being married to one?

Ida Mae: Oh, sure, we had our ups and downs, like any married couple. I never blamed Ralph for needing to live in a big house with a big kitchen and four big bathrooms and a three-car garage for our utility vehicles. But Ralph always said, if God didn't want him to have big things, he wouldn't have given him such a good credit rating. It was stressful. But so many happy memories.

Reporter: Such as?

Ida Mae: Shopping, collecting, reading Pottery Barn catalogues by the fire, the view of the ocean from our 94th-floor condo. ...

Reporter: Watching TV?

Ida Mae: I'm afraid so. Ralph had a problem with TV. He tried the patch, but nothing worked. Of course, he was hooked early. But Ralph always said, without the TV, you wouldn't have the personal computer. See, when boomers were children, they always wanted to sit too close to the TV. So they invented the PC. After that, they got to sit as close as they wanted. Then, a few years later, the PC merged with TV.

Reporter: They called it the "Web?"

Ida Mae: Isn't that a cute name? Ralph said boomers were so great at labelling everything because they lived through the Golden Age of Advertising. Back then, you know, people even wore ads and labels on their clothes. Of course, that was before the Surgeon General's report on the deadly social consequences of hyper-advertising.

Reporter: You met Ralph when he was 84 and you were 18. That's quite an age difference.

Ida Mae: Ralph never looked older than 34 until the day he died at 110. He never met a cosmetic surgical procedure he didn't want to have. He replaced his joints every two years. Major organs every five. He thought he'd live forever, or until they dropped his cosmetic life coverage.

Reporter: Was Ralph a religious man?

Ida Mae: Not in the traditional spiritual sense. He believed in things like Coca-Cola stock and hair-replacement technology.

Reporter: Did he protect the environment?

Ida Mae: Oh yes, we were both big environmentalists. During our 40- mile commutes to work, we always talked about how much we loved the environment. Ralph even created a nature preserve in our back yard for the care of old butterflies. He wanted to make their last days as comfortable as possible.

Reporter: How did Ralph pass away?

Ida Mae: Jaywalking. The MARTA heli-transport pilot said he never saw him. Ralph's final words were: "Don't touch that dial." We're still trying to figure out what that means.