Jacobs.com: A stock with family value
by Hal Jacobs
The Jacobs family is pleased to announce that it is planning to go public.
This stock offering is being underwritten by Ima Loon & Co. Details of the initial public offering (IPO) are offered below.
Expected Size of Offering. We plan to sell 6 million shares at $5 each, raising $30 million. We anticipate this capital will allow us to expand our current plans for summer travel - a family car trip from Atlanta to upstate New York - and instead let us establish a dominant presence in overseas markets, starting with a monthlong cruise in the Greek islands.
The long-range plan is for the family to become a superfamily - which follows the trend towards superstar, supermodel and superstore - and dominate the marketplace in the next millennium. In the past, superfamilies such as Rockefeller, Kennedy, and the Jackson Five dominated the globe by traditional means - industry, politics, and pop music. However, in the future, superfamilies will rule by obtaining a strategic presence in the on-line community and raising outrageous sums of money (IPOs) by doing virtually nothing.
Description of the company: Two co-founders, two junior employees (ages 12 and 7), one dog, two cats, four goldfish and pigeons. The Jacobs family networks with a traditional community of relatives, friends and neighbors, as well as a growing on-line network of electronic partners and premium Internet advertisers.
Like most new, exciting and forward-looking Internet companies, the Jacobs family lost money last year. Revenue was outpaced by operating expenses, which included frequent stops at the pizza restaurant and video store. Replacement costs for children's athletic shoes exceeded projections. Flea-control ointment for pets caused additional operating losses. Negative cash flows resulted from technological upgrades to the family station wagon's shocks and struts.
As with most thriving Internet companies, the family doesn't plan on making a profit in the future. Notice: When used in this prospectus, the words "plan," "profit," "dog," and similar expressions involve risks and uncertainties, and don't imply anything.
Investors interested in more information about the family should check out its state-of-the-art website. Beneath the banner ad, "Click Here a Million Times and Win a Chance at a Million Dollars!", cyber-guests will find a list of a thousand other cool family sites to visit, each link accompanied by blinking, strobe-like graphics.
Guests who still remember why they visited in the first place should scroll down to find the most frequently asked questions we ask about ourselves (FAQ). At the bottom of this list, you'll find our long-range plan: Become a superfamily so that we can eventually merge with a supreme, super-duper family.
Of course, that involves risk and uncertainty, and we're not implying anything.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Sunday, June 27, 1999
